So here it is, the Bears first preseason game. A time that should be joyous and full of hope. But we all know that the Bears don't do that. They don't inspire hope. They kill it. Quickly. Like a chicken having its head cut off. Sure, it may run around for a few more seconds, but we know its fate.
First, I couldn't find the game on Charter. NFL Network was blacked out. Ironically, a Brett Favre documentary was on in place of the Bears. Apparently living in Janesville means Bear games are blacked out. Probably a blessing, but nevertheless, I persisted.
Eventually, I found the game, but not in HD. The Packers, in the meantime, were in glowing HD. There is no greater metaphor for NFL fandom than the Bears being in crappy, non-HD TV while the Packers are crystal clear just a few channels away.
By the time I find the game, Glennon has already thrown a pick six. As I flip it on, the snap soars over Giraffe Neck's head, and I feel a little more of my soul die.
Oh, at the same time Zach Davies is getting absolutely lit up by the Twins. The Twins. 25th in the league in slugging Minnesota.
But back to the Bears. Glenbombs has two more chances to gain a first down. He ends with a QB rating of 4.2. By the way, that's not good.
Meanwhile, I'm interrupted by my wife. She hates the Packers as much as I do because they've pre-empted her Princess Di special. She's half British and cares about that stuff, so I guess if that means she hates the Packers, too, it's a win. She's not happy. I'm not happy. Nobody here is happy right now.
But hey, Glenbombs is out. That means Trubisky is in, right? Nope. Mark Sanchez gets a couple shots to suck. Ol' Butt Fumble doesn't disappoint either. While he does move the team down the field (slightly), they fail to score. Shocking.
Then the Bears get a stop. One possession before halftime and, what? Oh my gawd. THAT'S MITCH TRUBISKY'S MUSIC! Finally I get to see our number 1 pick. And his first pass? Almost picked off. Oh god, he's going to be terrible. No, no he can't be terrible. I can't take him being terrible.
Wait, there's a good pass. Oh god, there's another good pass. And another. Oh man, pass interference in the end zone? Oh, play action, rolling left to a wide open receiver. TOUCHDOWN. Touchdown Bears! Suddenly, I'm back! The Bears shop on NFL.com can just take my money. I need a home, road and alternate Trubisky jersey. Do you think they have that horrible striped one the Bears wore on Halloween against the Packers? The Lewis Tillmans special I call it. I'll take one of those, too.
Regardless, I need them all. Trubisky is my new messiah. And in case you think I'm joking, I'm not. This is the fourth high profile Bears QB jersey I've purchased. Cade McNown, Rex Cannon, Jay and now Trubs. And no, I don't see any type of pattern there. What are you talking about?
Trubisky is out to start the second half and you'd swear I was controlling him in Madden. Bootlegs, avoiding defenders, pinpoint accuracy. I mean, we drafted Mitch Trubisky, not John Elway, right? I can't tell to be honest.
Trubs had a chance to bring them back and win late, but his final pass sailed high. However, he was clearly the best quarterback and it wasn't even close. Trubisky should be starting for the Bears by week 5, if not earlier. The only reason to hold him back is because they want to give the rest of the league a chance. Guys, the Bears are back. And so are my columns. Get ready, because I know I am.